Chuck Norris is HARDK0RE

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Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

 

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

 

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

 

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

 

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

 

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

 

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

 

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

 

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

 

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

 

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

 

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

 

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

 

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

 

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

 

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

 

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

 

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

 

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

 

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

 

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

 

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

 

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

 

While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

 

If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris. (Scientific Proof)

 

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.

 

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

 

One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by it's technical term: Jupiter.

 

One time Steven Segal compared Chuck Norris as a joke. Chuck Norris was not laughing.

 

The only weaknesses of Superman are kryptonite and Chuck Norris.

 

After a woman had sex with Chuck Norris he roundhoused her and then devoured her.

 

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

 

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

 

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

 

When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.

 

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them

 

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

 

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

 

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

 

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

 

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the Devil for his rugged good looks and unmatched fighting ability. After the deal was completed he promptly roundhouse kicked the Devil in the face and took his soul back.

 

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

 

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

 

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

 

Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

 

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

 

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

 

Chuck Norris had the periodic table destroyed because the only element Chuck Norris recognises is the element of surprise.

 

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

 

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

 

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't accept the concept of time. People say that he has a face that can stop a clock, but that's cause the clock is too scared to move when he looks at.

 

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

 

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

 

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

 

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

 

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

 

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

 

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

 

If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!

 

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.

 

Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone.

 

Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

 

Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.

 

Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.

 

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

 

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

 

 

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All hail the Chuck!

The last image shows an incident where someone possibly found The Chuck's only weakness.

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Apparently: "the reason for chuck's unpreparedness is that he was staring a hole in that other guys with his laser eyes (which are focussed and amplified by the indestructible red beard)"

You can see the drama unfold here (if you have an OCAU account).